it wasn't lemon gatorade
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
