Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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