Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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