I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
