if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
