Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
