I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
