Little spoons don't ask big questions
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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