People in love make me want to vomit
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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