she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
