Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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