Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He passed out mid-signature
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
