I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
