Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
