dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
