You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
