Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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