In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
