Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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