The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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