At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
