I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
