Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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