my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm too high and old for this...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
