Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
