If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
