I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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