in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
