I'm lost and stupid without you.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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