I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
50% drunk capacity currently
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
