Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
