Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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