i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
