TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
