My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
