Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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