Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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