I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
