i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
