When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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