Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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