I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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