My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
