he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
