I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
