Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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