I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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