Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
