i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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