4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
