this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
